Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Heart Repair: Not so perfect after all

I spent a lot of time, as my marriage was coming apart, analyzing all the relationships that broke my heart from the time I was 15 through to, well, the present. I believe what I wrote about that is a 20-odd page document that won’t likely ever see the public eye. I never once considered at any point during this self-analysis that there may be boys/men’s hearts that I broke. After all, I was kind and relationship smart and always open and honest.

Yeah, right.

I never thought it was likely, that while guys were breaking my heart, maybe I was breaking theirs in return with my smart-mouthed uncensored ways.

I felt I had been hurt so many times buy young immature boys that snubbed me coldly on the rebound, who didn’t call, or couldn’t look me in the eye, or changed their minds, that I ceased to believe that guys could be hurt at all.

I’ve had recent cause to rethink my egocentric position on heartbreak. Sadly, many of the guys whose hearts I likely broke, I can barely remember their names.

Here is a brief tribute to all the hearts I’ve broken.

Kevin: this the first one I remember. I dated Kevin for a month when I was 16. He followed me home, stalker-like, from a Burger King baseball tournament. I was the first girl he dated and kissed. He said he loved me. I said it back. Just because. For me he was my rebound boy (ironically enough, from another Kevin). He sent me a rose one day and I felt nothing. I dumped him a couple days later.

Rob #1. (grade 10 about) he had a crush on me. I changed my mind.

Garth: I flirted with him mercilessly. And then proceeded to go on a ski trip and spend the whole time flirting with his friend. Male loyalty left me pretty lonely for the rest of that trip.

Stacey’s cousin: I can’t remember his name (Ryan?). He was a cute good looking country boy and he had a crush on me. I just wasn’t interested.

Jason: Around age 19. Jason was a mama’s boy who couldn’t go out anywhere without asking permission. I was the party girl who couldn’t stay at home long whose motto was, "I don't do homework on weekends." The day I met him, I found out that my ex-boyfriend had broke up with his girlfriend of about a year. That pretty much doomed me with Jason. Unfortunately, I think I dragged it out for about 3 or 4 months. I hated dumping people. I just hoped they would get the hint and stop calling. 

Ryan: He was a few years younger and super nice and fun and we talked a lot and I went to his cabin and slept in the same bed as him and he never made a move. And I just didn't look at him that way. He didn't exactly confess his feelings but we were at a social out in Killarney and I told him I didn't want to dance with him. He tried to drag me out anyway and I remember ripping my arms out of his hands and telling him to go away. He never really talked to me again after that. I see him once and a while now and he still acts like he doesn't know me. Maybe he doesn't.

Dave: he was a graphic artist and working for a living at 22. He bought me a 24 of beer prior to a social and he figured this would buy him my undivided time and attention for an entire evening. Instead I wandered and flirted with everyone else and drank his beer for weeks after. He was pretty pissed. Sorry Dave. Maybe that wasn’t a loss.

Rob #2. I was 21 he was 20. The guy was model. Girls swooned in his presence. He wanted me. I didn’t know why. I wasn’t ready and still cried over another one and I kept shoving him away. A classic case of approach and retreat. I didn’t like how he smelled. He didn’t smell bad, I just wasn’t drawn in by his natural smell.

Nurse boy: I’m disappointed I can’t remember his name. He was cute and nice and word got back to me that he was interested but I had my radar on someone else. Ooops. Picked the wrong one.

Brad: He was from Saskatchewan and I was from Manitoba and I met him at several lifeguard competitions over several years but we finally clicked in Canmore at a Canadian Championship. It was a pretty hot weekend. Enough said. We wrote letters back and forth for about 2 years without any committment. He told me he loved me and I told him that weekend we had wasn’t real. It was a fantasy. It would never work in real life and it would never work long distance. That was a loss. That was a dumb-ass loss. The next time I saw him, I was engaged to someone else.

The X: I loved him, I married him. He was my first long term, significant relationship. I had two kids with him and at the age of 35, after about 8 years of marriage, I left him (or more accurately, I made him leave) for many many complicated reasons, some of it because I was hurt too by what my marriage was never going to be. Two + years later and he is finally letting go of his anger.

My best friend: I cried on his shoulder about everything and he was so good to me, too good to me, and I fell in love in a desperate and needy way and I believe he loved me too in the only way he could at the time. But the timing was bad and the situation was disastrous and what resulted was a lot of hurt and anger. And while I recognize now that when he finally blew up at me he did it because he was hurting, I didn’t know it at the time. I’m sorry I hurt you. I didn't mean to. I didn’t understand.

The last: He loved me like I’ve never been loved before. He lay his heart on the table every day. We started to make plans for a future. He was ready enough for the both of us and he made most of those plans and I let him. I was barely paying attention to the progress, I was still hurting so badly from what came before. The relationship lasted a year but emotionally I only moved forward about a month in time. As he started to move stuff into my house, the same house I picked out with my X, I panicked. I wasn’t ready. I’m not ready. I wanted to love him the way he loved me so badly, I believed I did.

This is a long list. I’m shocked. I had no idea I could come up with this many names.

Time for me to be alone now. I’ve learnt my lesson.

I hope.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I truly believe that we all have lists like this that we choose to ignore. I am scared to look back like you just did, for the very same reasons.