Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Not So Gut-less

Fall 2010 -- But a shadow of myself
What's with all the fear of change, these days? Facebook made a couple little alterations and my news feed was inundated for days with, "The new Facebook SUCKS." Just wait folks. The changes so far, are just the calm before the storm. But if the change is coming anyway and if you're like me and you prefer not to wait for the other shoe to drop but would rather force it to drop at a time of your choosing, you have the option to change Facebook now.

Change is hard though. We get comfortable with the familiar. Less willing to take risks with something new. And given all the changes that have happened in my life over the last 4 years -- most of which happened at my own choosing -- I often have trouble understanding people's reluctance to change things in their lives. Although I still have a couple things I could stand to change and all I can say about that is, "I'm working on it." Change is also about timing and readiness. Nobody is perfect.

But I'm not in this to preach enlightenment and existentialism or carpe diem so I stop there.

But change can also be good. For example a catalyst of things have happened since I wrote this post nearly a year ago that have made me happier. Having that "nightmare" or anxiety attack (whatever you would like to call it, because it was both) that woke me up that morning was the impetus for a lot of mini-awakenings.

And, I'll be honest, when I wrote that post, I had no idea what I was saying. I can't, even to this day, explain what I was going through any better than I wrote it there, but the meaning behind my words, at the time I wrote them, eluded me.

Unfortunately happier has also made me Fatter. Where this has become most obvious is on my bike. Painfully obvious. Getting dropped on the first big climb in road provincials was the first painful piece of objective evidence. A year ago that wouldn't have happened.  Struggling through two races in the B Cyclocross category and feeling but a shadow of myself from a year ago was the second. 

Me racing cross last year in Altona. Thinner and faster.
 (I had a great time racing C this past weekend. I wanted to puke the whole time. I've never raced so hard in my life and that is how cross is supposed to be. I'm still on cloud nine about how good that felt).

I am easily 10-12 pounds heavier than I was a year ago when I was racing cross.  Life circumstances in spring of 2010 threw me into a state of rapid weight loss. I lost I think about 8 pounds in about 6 weeks that spring and it wasn't for good reasons. I was ensured to gain it back (and to be honest, gain back and then some).

Me racing cross this past weekend at Labarrier a little pudgier but still strong. (Thanks to Bill Gendron for the picture.)
 I can't explain what was going on in my body then that caused that weight loss any more than I can explain how I gained the weight I did this year. There hasn't been one smidgen of change to my activity levels. I'm just as fit as I ever was. I'm just heavier. And I've always ate like crap and not much worried about my food choices -- bad habits instilled in the teenage version of me back at a time when I could eat whatever I wanted and still be 99 pounds are hard to break. I could stand to do better there and "I'm working on it."

And everyone who is with me on facebook is aware of my recent "no beer" "no bread" diet. I'm back on bread in moderation and beer only on special occasions. I haven't lost much weight. It'll be slow.

But here is the irony of being happier and getting fatter: For the first time in my life I look in the mirror and I don't see it. I try to put on pants that were loose on me a year ago and struggle to button them up and I think, "Really? They are that tight? Really?" I'm baffled. I can barely believe it. I like and am comfortable with my body in a way I have never been before.

And I'm never giving up happy for super-thin. Never. Although, I do want to find a better race weight.

Not to mention there are a few added benefits of extra weight. My kids have been repeatedly watching a movie lately. There is a line they keep rewinding and replaying over and over (especially the boy) and giggling through. It is at about 1:27 in the video trailer.

Frankly, it makes me giggle too. Tee Hee. I'm 40 and flirty and thriving and still mostly perky too.

I haven't blogged much lately. I've started on a few and they've felt all wrong and inappropriate so I've left them. I've wanted to write more about my experience but it's not working yet. A major part of my awakening has been coming to the realization that what I went through was hell.

And it wasn't my fault. 

There was a very specific trigger to all that and I'm still dealing with figuring out how to stop blaming me for how things unfolded. And as open a person as I am, and as much as I'm willing to talk about it all to anyone who hits upon the right subject, the few times I've tried in the last year has left me shaking in that state of "flight or fight" -- the same state I try and kill by doing idiotic things like riding my bike for 391 km in one weekend.

But when I didn't know what I was talking about. I babbled about it freely all the time.

But I'm sure I could help a lot of people by telling my story. It has to be done with grace and tact though (both qualities I lack -- if you know me, you know I'm not exaggerating.). One day I'll find the courage to try.


Lisa said...

Of course you will find the courage. These things take time...and take as much time as you need to figure out how to to it. In the meantime you are surrounded by LOTS of people who support you unconditionally, (myself included and hopefully near the top of the list ;0))) HUGS!

GreG said...

Happy=good, if you aren't having fun, then what the hell is the use? We are only on this earth so many times!

I always say, "It's not how far you go, it's how, go you far!"....

(That was from a bad ski movie from way back, but I remember it like a turd.)

Oh, and it's good that you can be serious, not just the clown like some of us.

Kim said...

It's a good thing my real friends know I am a clown underneath my occasional bouts of intellectualizm. Did you watch the movie trailer I snuck in there, Greg? (the one in bedded in my blog that is). That was my clown moment in this blog.

Thanks to both of you.... Lisa courage will come. You know it will. Like with anything, I have to freak out a bit about what I need to do before I can get it done.