I don't know, maybe I'm just being a whiner tonight. I signed up for the Calgary Ironman 70.3 last October and I don't really want to do it. I'm not excited about it. I'm not looking forward to it. I see nothing but pain and torture. The race is on August 1st. Am I having normal pre-race jitters or am I truly in over my head?
1. I don't think I'm ready. The training was going well up until the beginning of May and then life seemed to take control and pull me in other directions. I could do the bike in a heartbeat. I can do the swim. The Run looks like hell. Every time I get off a long distance bike the thought: "OK, now I have to run a half marathon," pops into my head and I want to vomit. I really don't like running. Not true. I don't MIND running but for the last 2 years running has been perpetually and unpredictably painful. I haven't done a long run in a month. I really don't like running in heat even more and now we've hit the humid season.
2. It wasn't my goal. When I signed up for this race I did it because the person I was with also signed up. I watched him race it last year and it is a beautiful race. I signed up because I thought I should show support. and then life changed.
3. I feel like I'm doing it alone. No one is motivating me.
4. I really can't afford the trip. It is going to cost me about $1000, or more, to get there, stay, do the race and any other fun stuff and food etc. I feel like I am constantly battling my finances. I would rather sacrifice the entry fee than put out the expenditure to go all the way there and not feel good about my race.
5. Psychologically life is giving me an ass kicking. New problems showed up out of the blue to take me by surprise. Old problems reared their heads and carry on in a new form. I feel weary and weakened and I don't have the will to convince myself to keep going when I am in this state. I don't feel like I am in control.
I don't know if I am writing and posting this for sympathy, for a convincing, or for affirmation and permission to give up. Maybe I'll feel better in the next couple of days but the fact that I've done nothing towards preparing myself for this race in terms of finding accommodations, deciding on travel arrangements, or even simply looking up the athlete information on the website, tells me a lot. I feel OK about doing a couple more Olympic distance races. I can VISUALIZE myself doing that. I don't feel good about this one.
So. Advice? Moral support? Permission? What do you think?