Saturday, July 3, 2010

Feelin' like Bailin'


I don't know, maybe I'm just being a whiner tonight. I signed up for the Calgary Ironman 70.3 last October and I don't really want to do it. I'm not excited about it. I'm not looking forward to it. I see nothing but pain and torture. The race is on August 1st. Am I having normal pre-race jitters or am I truly in over my head?

WHY?

1. I don't think I'm ready. The training was going well up until the beginning of May and then life seemed to take control and pull me in other directions.  I could do the bike in a heartbeat. I can do the swim. The Run looks like hell. Every time I get off a long distance bike the thought:  "OK, now I have to run a half marathon," pops into my head and I want to vomit. I really don't like running. Not true. I don't MIND running but for the last 2 years running has been perpetually and unpredictably painful. I haven't done a long run in a month. I really don't like running in heat even more and now we've hit the humid season.

2. It wasn't my goal. When I signed up for this race I did it because the person I was with also signed up. I watched him race it last year and it is a beautiful race.  I signed up because I thought I should show support. and then life changed.

3. I feel like I'm doing it alone. No one is motivating me.

4. I really can't afford the trip. It is going to cost me about $1000, or more,  to get there, stay, do the race and any other fun stuff and food etc. I feel like I am constantly battling my finances. I would rather sacrifice the entry fee than put out the expenditure to go all the way there and not feel good about my race.

5. Psychologically life is giving me an ass kicking. New problems showed up out of the blue to take me by surprise. Old problems reared their heads and carry on in a new form.  I feel weary and weakened and I don't have the will to convince myself to keep going when I am in this state. I don't feel like I am in control.

I don't know if I am writing and posting this for sympathy, for a convincing, or for affirmation and permission to give up. Maybe I'll feel better in the next couple of days but the fact that I've done nothing towards preparing myself for this race in terms of finding accommodations, deciding on travel arrangements, or even simply looking up the athlete information on the website, tells me a lot. I feel OK about doing a couple more Olympic distance races. I can VISUALIZE myself doing that. I don't feel good about this one.

So. Advice? Moral support? Permission?  What do you think?

5 comments:

RocketSurgeon said...

Permission granted. Life is what happens while we are making other plans. I know what you're feeling to a smaller extent. Sometimes, you really do have to go with the flow. As a wise gambler once said, "you gotta know when to fold them, know when to run."

Anonymous said...

don't think of it as a half marathon after the bike but 4X5km! Triathlon is 4 things, swim.bike.run.mental...you gotta work through your mantra!

Kim said...

Well Rocket Surgeon.... thanks for the permission. The count is about 50-50 right now in the permission/encouragement zone.

Thanks Anonymous. It is the mental that I consistently fail at. And because it is weak right now just sitting at the computer, I figure it will be even weaker when I am out there racing.... But you are 100% right!

Story Teller said...

It's difficult to follow through when you make a commitment with someone, and then that someone is no longer there. You planned to train for and complete this race with a partner, and now you're facing it alone.

I haven't attempted a triathalon, but I went through something similar with a 25km cancer walk. It was supposed to be a "couple thing", and even though I found others to walk with, it wasn't the same. It was one of the most lonely experiences of my life, and I wish I hadn't gone through with it.

It's up to you, but there will always be other races. If you're not excited about this one, why do it? I think you should feel fine about opting out, or whatever you choose to do!

Kim said...

Well, I am going to create my own little adventure. I'm going out there, I've found a roommate for the hotel the weekend of the race so that will cut that cost in half. The week following, some work cycling friends are planning a ride from Banff to Radium to Golden and I am going to join them on this ride through the mountains. I will camp or mooch off friends of friends as much as possible and just be the sociable extravert that I am and let spontanaity guide me for a week. And live as cheaply as possible.

I would hate myself if I bailed on the race. I know I won't do another one of this distance because it spoils my fun.